Cowboy Rules

Rules of Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Utah, Idaho, Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Beavercreek Orygun and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

(1)  Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

(2)  Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

(3)  Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how  slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus.   Drive it or get out of the way.

(4)  They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south.   Pick one and go.

(5)  So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

(6)  Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

(7)  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better  hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

(8)  Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

(9)  The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

(10)  We open doors for women. That's applied to all  women, regardless of age.

(11)  No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.  Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

(12)  When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices:  salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care  what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat . . IT  AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

(13)  You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a  truck, and have long hair.

(14)  College and High School Football is as important here  as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

(15)  Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

(16)  Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

 

Bank Account of Life

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legallyblind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recentl y passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm o f an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged . . . it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
"It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.
Just for this time in my life.
"Old age is like a bank account.
You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
"Thank you for your part in filling my memory bank. I am still depositing."

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Rule No. 62

Do not take my life or myself too damn seriously.