Beer News

This is Alarming!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Five Rules To Remember in Life

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a CORVETTE than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name. (A personal favorite)

3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does voting for the Democrats.

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....," as he pointed out the location.        

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"      
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.         
"See this fucking badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"   

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.     

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....                         

(I just love this part....)             
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ ! !"

The Irish Blonde

   An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

   She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." And with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

   As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

   The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men... are men!

New Gov't Program To Help The Economy,

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ...

I'll see you on the bus!

Humor: South Carolina Troopers ... B-)

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
(LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Timmy writes a Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus?
I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.
I have been a very good boy this year.
I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

********************* Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter.
Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.
Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting.
Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

*********************** Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for.
I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.
Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

********************* Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided.
Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.
Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

*********************** Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it.
I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me.
I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.
WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

***************** Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously???
You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang banger wannabe?
"He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake".
Sound familiar, genius?
You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
I got your shit wired, Jack.
I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement.
You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry.
Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

*********************** Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

************** Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

Magic Green Hat

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at DMV.
It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

If you live in Texas, it might cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But...don't try it at McDonald's.
The whole crew took off and left out the back door and I never got my order!

Facts of Life ... B-)

Cats chase birds. It's what cats do.
Guys want to get laid. It's what guys do.
Bakers sell pastries. It's what bakers do.
Banks loan money. It's what banks do.
Developers build housing. It's what developers do.

And cats will keep chasing birds,
guys will take all they can get,
bakers will sell all they can,
bankers will push as much money out the door as they can,
and developers will take all the money they can get and build all the housing they can.

In the old days, it was up to the birds,
the women and the banks to say no.
But women don't get diamonds and jewelry for saying no.
Banks don't make profits by hoarding excess cash.

One day, dawn breaks.
The girl gets pregnant,
the housing market gets overbuilt, and
banks get stuck with huge nonperforming loans.

The devil has taken tomorrow,
tomorrow has become today, and
now there's hell to pay.

So whom do you want to blame?
The cat?
Hormones?
Pastries?
Banks?
Developers?

No, bunkie.
We meet the enemy every day.
He's in our mirror, and the joy ride is over.

And so we cry out to the government to save us from ourselves.
Better we should apply to the devil.
The terms are better.

B-)

Pissing and Moaning

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.

Stress Relieving Technique

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!!
See?
It really does work.
You're smiling already.
Feel free to share this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

True Natural Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Vibration Issue

A lady ran over a mattress on the highway and became hung up under the car, she decided to just keep going down the highway, thinking it would just fall off sooner or later. The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to put a tear in the gas tank. The subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought this vehicle to a stop. She had driven it 30 miles with the 60lb tangle of wire and fabric wrapped around the driveshaft. The vehicle had to be towed to a dealership. When asked about the problem, the puzzled looking lady complained that the vehicle had a kind of "shimmy" when driving at high speeds. This is what the dealership found . . .

Occasionally A Lawyer Educates A Bureaucrat

Occasionally A Lawyer Educates A Bureaucrat (occasionally)

LOUISIANA - Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client. You've gotta love this lawyer . . .
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter)
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (here's the actual letter):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
“For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition.
“Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?”
The loan was approved.

Supreme Indifference

Should our judges be judged by their gender,

Or the justness of verdicts they render?

Should we reckon their race,

Or their ken in a case

As a strict Constitution defender?

-F.R. Duplantier

Looking For My Wallet & Keys . . .

A song about those senior moments that happen way to often some days

Coca Cola Ad for Seniors

All I Need to Learn about Life . . .

All I Need to Learn about Life I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep you paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

~Author Unknown~

Ordinary Men

I now I know what is wrong, we are in Oz . . . . I will let your imagination figure out who is who.

Washingtion Times
From Inside the Beltway,
March 24, 2009

The president of the Citzens in Charge Foundation, Paul Jacob, has a knack of delivering commentary in a way people can relate to. Consider his latest offering, "From Oz to Obama."

"Many things remain perfectly normal," he notes. "For instance, I often lose my car keys and sometimes misplace my cell phone. The University of North Carolina is still good at basketball ...

"But when I read the paper or turn on the radio or TV news, the world has been turned upside down. It's as if I've slipped into a parallel universe. I feel like Dorothy in 'The Wizard of Oz,' wanting so badly to get back home. Perhaps I feel this way because government officials - from President Obama to the too-big-to-fail treasury secretary, from finger-pointing congressmen to my county commissioners - resemble 'that man behind the curtain.' "

Cowboy Rules

Rules of Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Utah, Idaho, Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Beavercreek Orygun and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

(1)  Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

(2)  Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

(3)  Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how  slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus.   Drive it or get out of the way.

(4)  They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south.   Pick one and go.

(5)  So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

(6)  Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

(7)  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better  hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

(8)  Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

(9)  The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

(10)  We open doors for women. That's applied to all  women, regardless of age.

(11)  No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.  Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

(12)  When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices:  salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care  what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat . . IT  AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

(13)  You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a  truck, and have long hair.

(14)  College and High School Football is as important here  as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

(15)  Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

(16)  Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!